Bones.

Losing Touch.

Everyone has turned into a stranger around me. I am getting frustrated because my patience is running thin. Ever since i put others before myself, all that has happened is that i keep getting taken advantaged of. I am getting sick of it. I ask myself, should i just go back to being a shitty person? Turn back into a self-centered selfish bitch that just treats people like their under me? Or should i just keep smiling and try really hard for people to like me and trust that they will be good to me?

I just want friends. You know, real friends that respect you. That want to do things with you. That always have your back and be there for you.

I am seriously the most honest, loyal, and understanding friend a person can have. Sure, i may have a temper and come off as awkward sometimes. Though, i always try to make the best of things. I enjoy making people happy.

Sometimes i always wonder what the fuck is wrong with me that i always keep getting myself in such shitty situations. :/

i was wondering when you’d come around.

We have been friends for a good solid five or six years? You know that i have that terrible recall of numbers. Although, sometimes you forget i exist you know deep down i will always be there for you. We argue and bicker a lot because you hate it when i am right. I have a short temper and little patience for your stubbornness. We had a good talk yesterday and i hope that you figure things out for yourself.

I told you: Sometimes you are so addicted to poison. A part of you enjoys the torture you put yourself through. I understand that is all you have ever known with relationships, but there are times when you need to break the mold. When you find something that fits just right, i know that terrifies the fuck out of you. Then you attach yourself to the past, because that sadness is where you feel safe. You’re going to be 25 this year, isn’t it about time you found something that actually makes you happy?

I know inside his head like the back of my hand. He is eager to embrace that happiness, but is just so tied down with what he can’t let go he just can’t fucking see it. I may not been the first person to tell him that this one girl is the supreme balance for him, actually every one of our friends have. I wish he would just see it for himself and get back on his medication. I know he’s a sensitive soul, that portrays a pretentious asshole like persona. He’s just a big sappy baby just wanting to be understood and loved no matter how many times he can deny it.

Boggled Brain.

Dear world, you are lacking PASSION.

I know that it is not my expertise to judge nor validate others on their actions. Maybe it is just because i don’t typically understand why people make the choices that they do. This time i am learning to respect their choices; let it be ignorant or the unpopular opinion. Anger and angst is something i need to let go, i am not fifteen anymore. I’ve came to the realization that expressing that i am open minded is a flattering contradiction since i had a knack for challenging the opposite team and burning every bridge with them. It’s well noted that you cannot change ideologies over night, nor can you change them all. Maybe i just need to breathe and spread the awareness of my personal truths, but don’t expect the audience to turn a 180. All i am saying is that i wished that people valued more passion into the finest fixtures in life. I declare that those fixtures are to be chosen by the eye of the beholder, which should fill your life with the joys of your own expectations.

Count your blessings, one by one.

Scattered Thoughts.

Being shy is the ultimate curse. When it comes to “feelings,” an invisible hand covers my mouth and my proud voice turns muffled.

Anxiety can easily cut off my tongue. This time around I’m really putting forth the effort to rid that insecurity. Woo.

Lead Lungs.

Breathe in.

My heart is pounding through my chest and i am almost dizzy from anticipation.

Breath out.

The ground under me shakes, it is almost impossible to walk a straight line.

I can’t feel my fucking fingers and toes and it’s not even cold outside

I’m just cold on the inside.

Lift your heavy head darling. I’m sorry.

Brain Scum.

Mental Breakdowns are for individuals that are suffering through tremendous stress or trauma where the reality around them is falling to pieces.

I am suffering a mental breakdown because suddenly my pieces are fitting like a puzzle and my life is suddenly flatlined. All i’ve ever known in my life is pain, heartbreak, drugs, misfortune, anger and struggling through traumatic situations. Life was a roller coaster, just like my moods. The past year, for the first time in my life, everything is, “okay.” Although, i feel nothing and any stimulation leaves me numb. Trust me, i want to feel happy and fortunate that my life no longer is blamed on bad luck. I just don’t know how to. The only thing i am struggling at is to feel something good about myself. Learning how to love yourself is one of the hardest things i ever had to face.

I’m crossing my fingers.