Bones.

Bad Dream.

I was sitting in the living room impatiently flipping through the channels finding something of interest. Father was asleep. Mother was asleep. Sister was asleep. My whole house was covered in darkness, but the slight glow of the television was the only thing giving me light. I heard a light tapping coming from my hallway. A light scurrying sound echoed through things that sat along the wall. I look to see where my kittens lie, but they all seemed to be gathered at my feet. I stood up hesitantly, quietly tip toeing over the iced tiled floor. You stood in my hallway, picking up blankets complaining that you were cold. For a second i was puzzled. I didn’t question you, but how could you possibly made your way in if i had not let you? I insisted that you put down the blankets in my hallway, “those are there for the cats, here, i have something warm for you.” I smiled.

I opened up my bedroom door, and turned on the head light. Cautiously walking over to my bed, i picked up my favorite blanket to wrap around you. I turned over to you and froze dead in my steps. Your clothes were covered in blood and a single gun shot wound laid graciously on the side of your head. I wrapped the blanket over your bloodied body, and you timidly sat down at the edge of my chair. You began talking, almost rapidly i couldn’t keep up. Not once did i acknowledge that blood was pouring from your head wound. You seemed bright and pleasant, insisting that it was wonderful to finally see me. I could tell that you have been drinking, not only from the smell of your breath, but from how relaxed and friendly you were. I nodded, giggled and some how sat there feeling emptied and confused. “Is something wrong?” you asked as you reached out for my hand. Warmth escaped my hands as you softly ran your fingers over my knuckles. You held on tight, smiling, as i lost myself in your almond eyes.

You stood up in a instant lifting me as you wrapped your arms around my toothpick body. Your body was cold and shaky, i just closed my eyes trying so hard to concentrate on your heart beat. I heard nothing. Then you whispered, “I’m sorry.” A drowning feeling began to take over my body and the next thing i know it i wake on the ground with dried blood on my clothes and blanket. I sit up, starring at myself and the floor confused and rattled. My cell phone rang and i turn my body to reach for it. I answered. My best friend Kelsie gave me the worst news of my life.

You killed yourself that night exactly how you promised.  

Vomit & Heartache.

I am twirling around so fast that i’m getting pretty close to be covered in vomit. You’re running around in circles, stomping in my brain with fists up in the air. You turn me into complete mush. I want it to stop, i am torturing myself with every little thought of you.

You’re getting married soon & you have a kid on the way.

I should of told you how i felt when i actually got the chance. Too late.

It’s improper to have feelings for you. After all, you told me to go dig my own grave. 

A year has passed, when are these feelings going to stop? I’ll always wonder about us. :/

Letting Go.

Last week I came across something that had me all torn left and right, though it’s finally time to hang up these old feelings out to dry. The exact count is 2 years 4 months to this exact day since I’ve last seen you. I always used to keep track and cross my fingers for every spring, summer and winter for your return; especially holidays. I always hoped you’d come back for me, like you’ve always promised. I can’t believe I let myself hope for so long, time kept adding up and I began to lose myself in it. Maybe what we had wasn’t so special at all because you’ve already forgotten about me. I’ve tried plenty of things to rid you from my heart; so far they’ve failed even when and if I thought I started to see the bright side of my life without you. Trust me, I’ve tried to branch out and fine another companion, though their love is no comparison. I hate the way I take those risks and left abused only because I throw myself out on a limb. No one I ever met has a love quite like yours. You still come up in conversation; I find ways to bring you up always, only because I don’t want anyone including myself to forget you. I reminisce on old memories and long for them, sometimes they are the only things that still are able to get a real smile out of me. I think only the highest of you and in some senses the most perfect man to ever come in contact with. Your brilliance, versatility and especially your charming demeanor had me wrapped around your finger.

It’s time to take all your belongings, memories, and especially you and finally put them in the past. I know I refused to because I’d like to believe that you are still a part of my life but reality’s cold shoulder lingers over me. The only thing I ever regret is letting you slip away from me so easily, I should have been strong willed with my feelings and not be so shy that I end up cutting off my own tongue. There is so much for me I wanted to say but never could find the courage. This poor lion is a coward. I even re-read the last letter I never sent and I almost feel numb when I glance over those pages. Sadly I still feel the same even if that letter was written when I was only 17; love is ageless. Now it’s time to take all I have left of you and find a place where it can rest. As much as a part of me doesn’t want to bring myself on letting you go but it must be done because your life is a lot better without me.

This Tiger Lilly misses her lost boy. Goodbye Tom.