Bones.

Losing Touch.

Everyone has turned into a stranger around me. I am getting frustrated because my patience is running thin. Ever since i put others before myself, all that has happened is that i keep getting taken advantaged of. I am getting sick of it. I ask myself, should i just go back to being a shitty person? Turn back into a self-centered selfish bitch that just treats people like their under me? Or should i just keep smiling and try really hard for people to like me and trust that they will be good to me?

I just want friends. You know, real friends that respect you. That want to do things with you. That always have your back and be there for you.

I am seriously the most honest, loyal, and understanding friend a person can have. Sure, i may have a temper and come off as awkward sometimes. Though, i always try to make the best of things. I enjoy making people happy.

Sometimes i always wonder what the fuck is wrong with me that i always keep getting myself in such shitty situations. :/

Really?

Today i actually woke up in a pleasant mood. Which is a rarity in most cases.

Let’s cross my fingers that this feeling doesn’t fade off too quickly. Being empty is such a bore.

Source of my insecurity.

I’ve always had poor luck with men. Rejection is something i am all too familiar with and being the, “second best” is all i have ever known. This, “not good enough” insecurity is stemmed from being oppressed by my male peers and their over fabricated expectations of beauty. I have always heard from my crushes, “i would love a girl like you!” & “you’d make an awesome girlfriend.” I sit there  like: HELLO I AM FUCKING SITTING RIGHT HERE, WHY NOT?! It’s not like i don’t say anything, i tell them straight up that i have a crush on them. Although, i hear the same gentle lines of rejection: “you know, you’re like a sister to me” & “i only like you as a friend.” Then of course my favorite, “I would totally date you, it’s just i am not ready to make a commitment right now.”

Those lines all mean the same thing & obviously you are not up to their fucking standards. I’m sorry that i don’t look like i belong on the cover of playboy or model for victoria’s secret. I’m fucking sorry my tits are not big enough, and my perky little B cups aren’t enough for you to grab. My assets are not up to your “standards”, but it’s not like any of you could score a girl like that in the first place, so keep masturbating to the covers of Front Magazine and free online porn.

I am fucking wonderful goddamnit! & if you cannot see that then i’m fucking glad because you do not deserve any part of me. Women are not manufactured, so bitch i don’t need you or your dick. As of Wednesday, April 4, 2012 i finally decided to pull my head out of my ass and give no more fucks over that stupid insecurity. I threw that out the window entirely, and it’s tumbling in the wind behind me. Yes.

Empowerment.

I am a strong independent free thinker that does not stand down when challenged my beliefs. I am capable of making my own decisions and i have every right to express myself in a way I choose. I throw my chin up in the air with a fierce sneer, because i know that my reckless heart will not fall into submission. I have my own rights to my actions, mind, body and heart and NO ONE will silence me in my hail of glory. The world will always try to bury me under their bullshit, but i refuse to sink.

I’ve battled abuse of many shades and i have faced the man that stole my innocence right from under me. You may have tried to cut my tongue out of my mouth, but i will not go down without a fight. You will treat me like the human being i deserve to be. I will not be objectified by fear. For years i have struggled with myself trying to regain that backbone you broke, but i am not dead yet honey. I still have a long road to go.