Bones.

Clenched Fists.

Anytime when my loved ones get hurt, apart of me begins to fill with adrenaline. 

Eyes dilate, my lungs pick up pace with every breath.

My fists begin to shake. I clench them, trying to control that trembling urge to hurt.

my mom was physically attacked last week.

my sister was jumped at her bus stop two days ago.

my friend was raped and beaten last night.

Keeping composure is becoming a challenge. We now share the same emotional turmoil. I know how they feel, i was once as weak as them. I’m sorry loved ones.

I hate i am not allowed to do nothing. I want these people to pay.

Clear the Air.

I’ve received a few harsh comments over the fact i have a minor threat tattoo. I’m not fucking stupid for one, and i know what the black sheep stands for. Although, let me clear the air.

I used to be a heavy drug user throughout my adolescent years. I’ve done everything but heroin. I could probably out drink anyone and i smoked like a chimney. I lived a pretty reckless life in those days. It’s shameful and i find it embarrassing that i started out so young. It’s no shit that i am not edge.

It took a lot to turn my entire life around. I quit smoking and i don’t affiliate myself with any hardcore drugs anymore. I barely drink, and if i do, it’s moderate. It not like i enjoy getting smashed and roll around in my own filth. I have to respect my body and stop putting so much poisons in it. Though, listening to a few edge bands including the main influence of MT, it defiantly kept my head straight. At that point in my life i didn’t have any good influences to keep me straight, so i had my music to help cope.

What i choose to have inked on my body has a specific meaning. So don’t bark at me if you have no clue why. Stop the hate, fuck.

Confusion of the sexes.

An old friend of mine and i had a bit of a sour conversation the other day because i was slightly offended by his remarks towards women. He has this strong belief that all women are “whores” and that “enslave their bodies” and along the lines of this discrete hate towards women. What actually offended me was that he believes that and i quote, “I think women should walk around all the time with cum on their face, You know like at work, School, In front of their families, Then they would show their true colors and guys could easily spot a good girl instead of falling in a vagina trap haha but of course they just use clown paint to cover up and pretend not to be filthy cock craving lunatics”.

I was shocked that he actually strongly believes in what he says. I know him personally and yeah i guess you can say he had a dislike towards women to begin with but once he started to get involved in this one girl which had things end shamefully he is openly hateful towards ALL women. He claims that it was always like this and that he doesn’t blame the girl. I find it ironic that i’ve known him for a couple of years and he drops me into that heard of whores only because he claims he never has met a nice girl. I mean, i know i’m not perfect but i am no where along the lines of a promiscuous hoe-bag cheating deviant. So yeah, i guess you can say my feelings got a bit hurt.

Bottom line both sexes can be at fault. There can be both foul men and women out there but its up to your judgement to get yourself involved with those sorts of people. Especially when friends tell you straight to your face that individual is bad news you need to listen or the hurt is in your hands. No, i don’t believe ALL men are abusive sexually hungry assholes i just met quite a hand full of them but i shouldn’t blame an entire male population for my misfortunes with men. Yeah, i keep meeting the assholes but i don’t brand a name on those i have yet not know of. Which means he shouldn’t all assume that ALL women are cock hungry bitches. There is versatility in the world, it’s just sometimes hard to find the good ones.

I finally have the guts to speak.

It’s been about three weeks now and I am finally sunk into realization on how things work between us. Yeah I guess you can say I made a total ass impression of myself but I was so caught up in the moment it went unnoticed. Skyler, I was really in one of the greatest moods when you told me the news that you were less than an hour away from me. I remember that drive there was the most anticipating drives of my life because it’s been over a year since I last seen you. I guess yeah, we text everyday and you often call me but still being in your presence is a lot more to me. The night started off real nice even though I was nervous most of the time but you smiling down at me made me ease up a bit. Though I would catch you looking at me when we were driving up in the mountains look down at the city and you would say, “We are taking you out here and my plan is to murder you and leave your body out here to rot in the cold.” We would both laugh and with a big sigh you mentioned you missed me, a lot. I wanted to hold your hand in that moment and gaze over the city with you because I knew deep down I missed you more than anything as well.

The night seem to progress and things always turn out for their worst. Where something beautiful was happening or could have happen I again was too afraid to speak. So there, I buy you alcohol, rent a motel room, invite all sorts of people I didn’t know, and I even picked up a girl you openly told me you plan to sleep with. At first I figure I could handle the fact you were to get intimate with this girl so naturally I started to drink and drink to the point where I the nerves became numb. That didn’t work anymore after I saw you two under the covers fiddling around; I swallowed my pride and hid in the bathroom hoping these feelings would go away. Jealousy can be an ugly thing, but I realize it’s not worth the drama. Yes, we were past lovers but we are only friends and there I can say the best thing to do is to keep quite. Out of that fit I made some not so good decisions. It’s not regretful it’s just I have never done anything like that before. It doesn’t change my moral value or have others view me differently; I just often have an act of impulse. Plus I didn’t know anyone in that motel room enough to care what their impression of me was. So after rolling around the floor listening to a lifetime supply of Bright Eyes gazing up at the dark ceiling this kid Nicholas came to visit. We began talking and probably within moments of laying there another guy walks into the bathroom to pee. With the flicker of the lights I felt damned so I laid my head under the sink to shield me from the pain and from there in the angle I was laying I spotted a crusty tar needle jammed up in a crevasse of the sink. I tug on Nicholas to tell him what I found and how sickening I felt unknowingly the guy that was pissing was an ex-junkie. While the guy left the restroom Nicholas and I tried to figure a way how to dispose of it without the others knowing because we are in a motel with several ex junkies. Then we sat there trying to figure possibly whose it was. No later than a few minutes it seems the whole world turned on me and fingers were pointed harshly. First that guy was lying out of his fucking mouth and told everyone he saw it and I had it in my hands when in fact I never touched the damn thing I merely pointed it out from the floor and how would he have seen it if from the angle I was in? Then they come at me checking if I have tracks, looking at my pupils, going through my bags and asking me to leave and get that “shit” out of here. Okay, for one that my MY motel room because I paid for it so I don’t know where this guy gets to kicking me out. Two, yes it may have looked sketchy that I was alone mostly in the bathroom but that was only because I didn’t want to be in the same room with Skyler while he was in bed fooling around with another girl. Three, I would never touch that filthy fucking drug in my life. The sad thing is that Skyler knows me more than anyone and he would know I wouldn’t ever use and he didn’t say one word to back me he just let them eat me alive. That is what hurt the most. It wasn’t the fact he was bragging about hand jobs from this girl or how she would come into the bathroom showing me her scratch marks from you with that wicked smile on her face. It was from the fact you abandoned me and basically threw me under the bus. I was extremely hurt and what to rub the salt in more is that you would tell me that you love me and that I was the only person in this world that you actually cared about then seconds later you would curl back up with that girl and I was left to sleep on the floor alone in the cold. At that point I almost hated you.

You know that it’s not possible for me to hate you and i’ll always love you but this has let me to finally let you go. I know where we stand and it will just be as friends and I won’t allow my feelings to get in the way ever again. Yes, I realized you used me for the booze, the room and for the girl but I never actually wanted to see it, I just said in my mind I am doing this to make you happy. Things with me just won’t ever be the same again.