Bones.

Losing Touch.

Everyone has turned into a stranger around me. I am getting frustrated because my patience is running thin. Ever since i put others before myself, all that has happened is that i keep getting taken advantaged of. I am getting sick of it. I ask myself, should i just go back to being a shitty person? Turn back into a self-centered selfish bitch that just treats people like their under me? Or should i just keep smiling and try really hard for people to like me and trust that they will be good to me?

I just want friends. You know, real friends that respect you. That want to do things with you. That always have your back and be there for you.

I am seriously the most honest, loyal, and understanding friend a person can have. Sure, i may have a temper and come off as awkward sometimes. Though, i always try to make the best of things. I enjoy making people happy.

Sometimes i always wonder what the fuck is wrong with me that i always keep getting myself in such shitty situations. :/

i was wondering when you’d come around.

We have been friends for a good solid five or six years? You know that i have that terrible recall of numbers. Although, sometimes you forget i exist you know deep down i will always be there for you. We argue and bicker a lot because you hate it when i am right. I have a short temper and little patience for your stubbornness. We had a good talk yesterday and i hope that you figure things out for yourself.

I told you: Sometimes you are so addicted to poison. A part of you enjoys the torture you put yourself through. I understand that is all you have ever known with relationships, but there are times when you need to break the mold. When you find something that fits just right, i know that terrifies the fuck out of you. Then you attach yourself to the past, because that sadness is where you feel safe. You’re going to be 25 this year, isn’t it about time you found something that actually makes you happy?

I know inside his head like the back of my hand. He is eager to embrace that happiness, but is just so tied down with what he can’t let go he just can’t fucking see it. I may not been the first person to tell him that this one girl is the supreme balance for him, actually every one of our friends have. I wish he would just see it for himself and get back on his medication. I know he’s a sensitive soul, that portrays a pretentious asshole like persona. He’s just a big sappy baby just wanting to be understood and loved no matter how many times he can deny it.

Smiles and Frowns.

I had a splendid weekend. I come to the conclusion that i need more nights that are more filled with adventure rather than staying home and reading. I’d say at least twice a month, i think that is a good number to start.

I felt like i was 14 again, without a care in the world.

Anyway. Besides all the smiles there is one frown. I found out that a friend of mine is moving to Washington. Bummer. He’s grown on me, i really enjoyed his company & friendship. After Saturday night’s conversation, i am pretty sure i am just going to miss him a bit more than premeditated. I know he’s scared, but i wish the best for him and hope he’s happy. I’m just glad to have known him.

I’m growing wings.

Oh, how i miss those infamous shoulder freckles.

I’m cleaning out my cellphone contacts & before i push delete i froze and had this puzzling emotion.

I used to like you, like really like you. I can’t even recall having such a strong crush on someone as much as i had with you. Maybe just the timing wasn’t right or that i am actually that stupid. I really wish i knew what happened.

We used to text everyday, i know my favourite was when you would tell me short stories. You’d ask a billion questions and exchange photos. I would always tease you because you could barely fit in the frame cause of how tall you were. I’d always beg for one day for your piggy back rides, and how you would cook breakfast with me and spend a weekend camping in the woods telling ghost stories. Not only were you gorgeous but you also had this playful heart that i adored there wasn’t a time i didn’t love talking with you. When i was always down, you’d be the one i would call and some how you brought me to the heavens. We shared a lot through a cellphone, there was always apart of me that wanted more.

Your parents were out of town and i remembered you planned a night for us. I was nervous to come, because i didn’t have a clue what to expect. We watched Rob Zombie films, cooked breakfast together and shared stories. Things did get intimate, i had to stop myself from actually sleeping with you which was one of the hardest things i had to do. I just remember holding you and playing with your long hair, and just that second you told me, “I am not looking for a girlfriend. I mean yeah, i would totally date you just right now i don’t think i’m stable enough. Let’s be friends”. I took the rejection and felt a little silly because i know that’s code for “see you later” I mean i’ve waited so long to be yours and after giving you the best mind blowing oral sex you sent me off my way.

I haven’t heard from you for almost a year now. I’ve seen you in public a few times & Skyler purposely brought us around each other. Things are awkward, you look down at me then look away, it’s like you want to say something but you just ignore me. You never call or text anymore or even reply to mine. Even if you didn’t want me as your girlfriend, we still could of just been friends.

I hate admitting i miss you, thanks a lot Andrew.   

Empty Hearted.

I guess you can say my lonesome for the past few months have figuratively dug it’s own grave. It’s almost impossible to not to be so bitter. I promise you i have my good days where i can easily have this content like state but most of the time in my head i long for company. This doesn’t exactly mean a company of a man because that is what most people assume when you get word that i am a single girl. That isn’t exactly the case it’s simply that i would like a friend. Then you bring a point saying, “well you have plenty of friends ashly, why fret?” The reality is that most of them use me and really bring more drama in my life than fun. So lately i’ve been getting screwed a million times over by people because each and every time i go out with anyone the night usually turns sour. I usually just smile and let it go because i don’t want to drag out drama but i am not going to lie it defiantly consumes me. Most of the time i always get the question, “Why do you allow yourself to have friends like that if they do that to you?” I’ve explained over and over i’m done with being the bitch of the group i am trying real hard to be nice and tolerable to people. I am just becoming a doormat because they’re taking advantage of my nice gestures. i guess you can say i am stuck between two extremes; be incredibly nice and have others take advantage of you or be my bitchy self and slowly see my friends disappear again.

At this point i just wish for a genuine person that i can spend my days with. Where we both are able to enjoy each others company, have epic conversations and be able to treat each other with respect & be TRUSTWORTHY. It’s so hard to find someone to understand me and be able to deal with me at times because of the fact i’m bipolar but trust me with this when i do make the effort and man up to my faults. I understand no one is exactly perfect but i am able to accept the flaws of others just as long as you don’t bombard me with your issues that cause problems. I have learned patience but lately it’s running thin with a few people i am involved with. It just makes me sad and lonely of the fact that no one is able to chill or have fun anymore. 

It’s really hard to stay positive when you are in a deep depression state like this especially when you have negative influences bringing you down. I’m not saying i want to abandon the current assholes in my life i just wish they would for once in their fucking life take my feelings into consideration and stop fucking up every night we go out together. Take responsibility for their actions and for god’s sake not act so juvenile. All i am just looking for is a good time from these people but instead their selfishness and drama tend to be more important than that.

To Whom it may Concern:

If you’re out there, i hope someday we’ll meet. You’ll come over late nights while we eat our weight in junk & play xbox. We’ll swap stories of our lives in the time being and share a deepest most open thoughts. We’ll take my car and drive wherever we choose the night will take us. Hiking in the mountains to dancing in the clubs; whichever you prefer just promise me we will have moments we won’t forget. Yes, i’ll beg you to go to shows with me even if you don’t know the bands and hell, i’ll even treat you to in-n-out afterwards. Sit with me when i get tattoos, watch movies with me until the sun goes up, party with me when the moment arises and have your back when the weight of the world is crashing down. I promise i’m honest, trustworthy and will always keep your secrets. I’ll always do what’s right and never wrong you and i won’t keep a thing from you. When i’m mad i’ll always tell you i won’t shamefully stab you in the back or run my mouth, i’ll always make sure you hear it from me first. & when you’re fucking up royally you know i’ll always be there to push you to do the right thing and call you out when you need to hear it. Just remember we’ll take lots of photos, make tons of memories and have almost every inside joke for every little thing. I promise smiles and laughs with good times, just promise me you’ll want the same.

Respectfully Submitted,

Ashly<3

Smile(:

Things are back to normal, which i am quite frankly in a positive mood.

Skyler and i made mends which is obviously a good thing because he’s the only few out there i care about. I got to see him last night and hang out for a bit; trolling the city of geezy. I like keeping things as friends, it leaves things less complicating because my tendency to have feelings always seems to get me in trouble. Plus i enjoy having him in my company even though he likes giving me a hard time about things. It’s extremely good to see he’s keeping clean, makes me more happier then ever. So, i have a smiley face on from the fact our friendship didn’t get destroyed from that last incident. We both look back and joke because there isn’t hard feelings like that anymore. It’s good to know that he’s still going to be in my life.